i put an end to your growth

I had to,
the thorns were cutting right through me.

The Ultimate Personality Test Brought to you by the one, the only... the Buaya Chronicles! [Nov. 15th, 2004|12:46 pm]

Title: The Ultimate Personality Test Brought to you by the one, the only... the Buaya Chronicles!

It's the season to be jolly... falalalallalalala... fallalalalallala.... hello there fucks...haha oops folks!, *burps* ah its the holiday season again... *hiccups*... oops sorry... had a bit too many martinis and vodkas.. *another baby hiccup* and this is the time when all the losers in the world, o no... must keep my public image... no this is the time when all the hopefuls... ah yes... hopefuls... in the world start searching for the meaning to life. ahahahahhaa.... screw my public image... bull crap... i am drunk... at least let a drunk women speak her mind you shit faces... shit faeces... ooo... hahahaha... yes this is the season to be jolly falalalalla.... and all the losers sit at home and start soul searching... *baby hiccups*... falalalala... so we at the buaya chronicles have decided to aid you losers! Go take this test and find out what u really are u son of a b**ch.....

fuck you,Professorz Gillz! (Punk Sista! yo ma nigga)

1) Which describes you best?
a- Hot body, hot face, hot voice, brainy
b- I am alright!
c- I am prettier than my brother.

2) Which one would you have as a boyfriend?
a- hot body, hot face, hot voice, brainy
b- smart, funny, chubby, good looking
c- like me... he should be nice! *peace*

3) What kind of house would you like to live in?
a- french chateux on 97 Meyer Road!
b- Chinatown ShopHouse
c- HUDC Apartment


alright shitems... here are the results!
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Don't peep you fucker
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Qn. 1
If you chose a)Hot body, hot face, hot voice, brainy
yeah right bitch, who are you kidding! Go jump off the 4th story... there is no way you can be dead hot and smart at the same time you shit face liar... god wasn't that free, he was making me!

b) I am alright!
Now you need a life... you think being humble is in... no you shit ass... humble was so yesterday! If you've got it flaunt it... or that loser who chose option (a) is gonna step all over you.

c)I am prettier than my brother.
Well you better hope that you have one hell of a pretty brother... or you might need a whole lot of plastic surgery... some drunk bastard told me that there isn't a place for ugly chicks in this world... poor little fart, i think his wife clobbered him to death.


for qn 2.
If you chose a)hot body, hot face, hot voice, brainyhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...... o my god girl... what are you thinking... you think what you watch on television is gonna come true. No darling... there is no such thing as a drop dead gorgeous guy who is brainy... if u want one, you have to give up the other... or if you want a full package, i say take 2 men!

b)smart, funny, self confident
*bleagh*...... he most likely will be (a)'s little brother... the older brother will have all the good looks and the younger will be sad cause he cannot match up, so he'll package himself in such a way that he seems like the most confident fella... but underneath all that laughs, he's a sad sad kid! Screw him!

c)like me... he should be nice! *peace*
You're not nice.... if you are on my friends list... you're not nice! so don't pretend to be an irritating japanese wannabe... its irritating... you bloody koniCHEEbai.... plus guys aren't nice... if they're nice, they're gay or they want to get into your pants!

And Qn 3.
if you choose a)french chateux on 97 Meyer Road!
you will never live there.... cause i am gonna buy it!!!!!!!!!!!! don't you dare even eye it! *growls, and sharpens clawz*

b)Chinatown ShopHouse
Cheena pok! cheena pok! cheena pok1 cheena pok! cheena pok! cheena pok! Cheena pok! Cheena pok! Munjen! Munjen! Munjen! Cheena Pok! Cheena Pok! Cheena Pok! Cheena Pok! (actually ah... chinatown has very nice shop houses and I think if you chose this option you've got style! but whatever cheena pok! cheena pok! cheena pok! Chee pok! cheena pok! Cheena Pok! Cheena Pok! Cheena Pok!)

and finally c) HUDC Apartment
God bless your churen! They will grow up mats, minahs, ah bengs, ah lians, whatever they call the tamil ah lians and ah bengs! This is a warning! DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO PLAY SOCCER UNDER THE BLOCK! IT'S ILLEGAL! *The buaya Chronicles always does our part for the government!*

Public Service Announcement:This Test is scientifically certified to be true (wanna know a secret Dr. Kaur-ine slept with the guy who tested us... hahahaha... churens this is what they call networking.. please learn!)


Comments:

Uncle_solly: HAHAHAHA I am a cheena pok! cheena pok! cheena pok! dies laughing


rashez 2004-11-16 01:01
you cheena pokkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Ps: I am NOT racist!)


Vane (Anonymous) 2004-11-15 07:00
LOL!!!!!!!!!! MUGEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U chEena pOK!!! stop accusing others u muGEN!!!!! i'm DARKER THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!hahhahaha...and u really sound drunk. have u tried reading your entry sober? lols!!!!


Re: Vane rashez 2004-11-16 03:47
yes i have... and i still think its shit funny... i am getting better by the day! *pats myself on the back*

The attack of the Victoria School Boys, A Buaya Chronicles Special

The attack of the Victoria School Boys, A Buaya Chronicles Special [Nov. 8th, 200409:34 am]
[ mood content ]

Letter from editor
Dear readers,

It has always been my one dying wish that i write something about the education system that has inculcated in me so much wisdom, so much desire to serve the country i was born in, so much pride in the uniform that I wore for a year, the pale coloured uniform, a close pale and dull resemblance to the 'intelligent' people of the school. So today as I sit in Victoria Junior College, I write a tribute, a tribute to this gorgeous warehouse like school. And I, Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill, hope that you would enjoy reading it as much as I am about to enjoy writing it.

Toodles,
Professor Gill
Editor in Chief, The Buaya Chronicles.

Title: The attack of the Victoria School Boys, A Buaya Chronicles Special

A shocking update from the ministry of education states that the level of english used in schools in singapore today has reached a new record high. In comparison to mongolia, china and the Maldives, Singapore has been awarded the "Lim Boon Tock Engrish" award for producing absolutely eloquent individuals who have brought the english language to a whole new level.

The buaya chronicles, with our worldly view and our goals of always being in the frontlines when the news breaks, decided to visit one school to try out if Singapore is truly the global hub for the english language. The school we chose was Victoria School, a school I must say that plays a very important part in moulding the ah bengs, oops sorry, I meant the leaders of tomorrow. We were introduced to a few boys both old and present students of Victoria School and from the impressive turn out we decided to pick 2 boys, one sec 2 pupil named darren Seah and another old boy named Gerard Soh to spend one full day with the Buaya Chronicles team and have them impress us with their eloquent use of the english language.

The day went fine, and Dr. Kaur-rine was absolutely enjoying herself until WE BOARDED A BUS. We were stuck in a traffic jam when our team started to question both boys on their general knowledge. Darren started to tell us off how he read in the newspaper that some state in america has so much traffic that people could turn off the engine and take out a book and start reading. Then Gerard said he read it too, that it was a state called wisconsin. Now... if my education in Victoria Junior College and cam-under-the bridge does not fail me, i am dead certain that the state of wisconsin is in the mid west, that means that there can only be about 10 cars on the road at a certain point of time.(http://www.doa.state.wi.us/docs_view2.asp?docid=3578) Now... i can't blame the boys, not everyone can ooze intelligence like a professor and in this case, the professor gill. SO i decided to put that aside and ask them how they felt about public transport. Now this is a classic. Gerard, trying to use wisconsin as an example (poor deluded boy) said that it would save our govt. alot of money if we too 'extinguish our fires" when we were in the traffic jam.
Me:"extinguish our fire", i am sorry weren't we talking about public transport.
Gerard:"yeah, I mean put off the fire, when we wait.. you know... switch off the engine... the vroom vroom.."....
me: o you mean switch off the car's engine...
Gerard: Yes that.
Me: O my, you got me scared for a minute... my newspaper is about encouraging sexual participation so as to bring about an increase in our population and for a moment i thought u were saying something else... o thank god... *phew* Boy you gave me a heart attack.
Gerard: O sorry ah professor, but we always talk like that one in our school...
Me: But your school has been recognised as one of the most eloquent schools.
Darren: No lah.... We speak like this one...
Me: O what a pity...
Gerard: Sorry ah professor... we were made to speak with the chim chim language...
Me: It's okay... now we know... thank you boys!

WEll so much for the eloquency in english award... My dear... what is this world coming too... cheating a poor reporter such as myself... now i am going to siglap secondary (Adam Gilla screams wildly: IT ROCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!)... maybe i'll find my true bue singaporeans there...

Times Personality of the Year [Oct. 26th, 2004|10:00 pm]

Title: Times Personality of the year, Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill, Editor in Chief, The Buaya Chronicles

As shocking as it might seem, Professor Gill has been named this years' Times personality of the year, amidst much controversy. This annual award is given to the most distinguished individuals that have contributed to the social and political scene worldwide and for those reasons alone, Professor Gill won hands down. Her newly created Buaya Chronicles which aims at 'world peace' through bringing forth important issues and discussing them in great detail has earned respect and recognition world wide. Former US president Bill Clinton and the pope presented this award to Prof. Gill at the Times annual ball last week.

We asked her what she felt and this was her rather honest answer, "Well i did expect to win, I mean i am being brutally honest here... just look at my competition... mother theresa (i never knew dead people could participate), george bush (well this guy should have been under most loved celebrity), ben stiller (o baby he's hot! but i am hotter!), tom hanks (yeah yeah so he can act.. big deal... i am smarter!*sticks out tongue),orlando bloom (yeah so what... he'll get like a billion 12 year olds voting for him, but so what... 12 year olds don't read times!!! haha... loser!)... so yeah... it was quite definite that i would win... thanks for the big party and all that but me, kaur-ine and adam alredy knew the moment the letter arrived when we were sitting infront of the television eating hokkien mee... o right... thats some sort of sticky chinese noodles... try those... they're good.... so yeah... big deal.. i won...

That is this years winner for you... Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill.

Writer: Crispy Glower, Times.

Comments:

1.
(Anonymous)
it's rigged.u KNEW i would win so u got my name removed somehow.that's the only explanation for it.this is ME we're talking about.hmph!meghna

2.rashez
Dear raving lunatic (in other words meghna kiran desai!),I think you're absolutely crazy to even think you deserve this award.... but nevermind since we at the buaya chronicles do not discriminate against dumb and retarded people who have personality disorders and are looking into funding a possible cure to your disease, we will let you continue deluding yourself.We wish you all the best and do feel free to write in for sponsorship for your psychiatric treatment.Yours sincerely,Prof. Gill.


(3.Anonymous)
"we at the buaya chronicles do not discriminate against dumb and retarded people who have personality disorders"duh. that's explain why you can be the editor;)but while we're on the topic of sponsorship, who's willing to sponsor/donate to my 'Make meghna's dreams come true' nest?u DID mention sponsorship, you know.loadsa love u nutcase,meghna:)


4.uncle_solly
Crispy Glower is such a priggish name... I demand that you cease making Funny Cracks at my beloved's name and start admiring his sculpted cheekbones and sensitive lips... etc etc etcstill smarting from Lee Kuan Ewww's death


5.(Anonymous) hey,i got an lj!hahaok, cheap thrillbut the retarded username is minebut that ain't my fault, all the others were taken up;)k, im still not too sure how this worksso shall see how it goes.farewell my love,the light of your life, sun of your day, moon of your night;)


6.rashez just add me !!!!

The buaya is back in business!!!!! However, today we share with you a truly tragic tale.... *sobs* [Oct. 24th, 2004|09:18 pm]

Title: The buaya is back in business!!!!! However, today we share with you a truly tragic tale.... *sobs* (get the tissues out)

Dear readers,
The reason why the Buaya Chronicles did not publish in what would seem like a billion years to our sad sad fans, is because I, yes I Prof. Raswinder Kaur Gill, have been in terrible depression since the death of one of my beloved bachelors... Mr. Lee Kuan eeewwww.... *breaks down crying* ... o lord bless his sad old soul... he was truly and inspiration to all of us... o and so young.... only 78...

As a tribute to Kuan eeewwww, todays issue will be dedicated to his life.... we will tell you of the glorious life lived by this fabulous man and a man who was a good friend to every young woman...

He was born in Johor Bahru, to an egg seller, and therefore grew up selling eggs.... *o my god, i can't continue, i am breaking down all over again...ok must calm myself down.... breathe breathe breathe*.. yes to an egg seller... his hobby was catching chickens and forcing them to lay him eggs that he distributed to the village girl... o kuan eeewwww was a buaya through and through, from young.... he knew the name of every girl in his district and he would visit everyone of them every day... everyone adored this little fella... every girl loved him like crazy... but kuan eeewwww only had eyes for one lady--- makcik sum.... she was 35 and he was only 12... but their love was sooooo deep, and their passion... ooooh lala.... magical... absolutely fantastical couple... well obviously makcik sum's husband didn't noe abt it... hello its not something you'd wanna advertise right?.... well their love affair continued for 10 years.... until... until makcik sum died of over exertion.... (i am gonna write to the ministry of health about the detriments of over exersion in sex soon)

Kuan eeewwww was devastated... his heart broke and he promised never to love another again.... that was until he met makcik sums daughter the next day, her name was minah, she was only 20 years old and just married... "oooo young blood taste so good", thats what kuan eeewww told us before he died (*cries again*) ... yes.... he then started his affair with minah.... and it lasted only a year before he set his eyes on her nieces... o that beautiful paedophile... he realised that younger women needed more men like him around and from that day onwards he never looked at anyone older than 18.... o that poor man... he was found dead on his sofa, with a 12 year old girl by his side... the doctors said it was over exersion... o lord lord... how terrible... this physical problem should be looked into immediately... i urge all my readers to ensure that they have popped a few viagra pills and have taken as much ginseng as your body permits you to.... please please be cautious when engaging in such important activities... my advice, keep it to 20 minutes a session if you're above 70... well if you're my age... god... mate like rabbits.. who cares... u're not gonna be young for long dammit...

well this was our tearful edition of the buaya chronicles. Till the next time, bye bye *sobs* We will miss you Kuan eeewwww....

God love and bless you.

Regards,
Professor Gill

Hell lot of comments:

1.
LEE KUAN EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! O my geriatric grinkydum... I am quite heartbroken... Rashez, I demand you mate with me as compensation for my broken heart!!!!!
(Denise)


2. rashez
Dear reader,I refuse to give in to any such demand... but Adam Gilla would love to.... i could fix a date?yours sincerely,Pimp, oops... Prof. Gill


3.uncle_solly no, not unless he is a) a crispin glover lookalike b) old and with lots of new tricks and/or c) fabulously rich!!!


4.rashez Dear reader,I am sorry to inform you that he is none of the above... but to compensate for that Mr, Tan Ah Beng Adam Gilla has something to say....Adam Gilla: Sorry ah... i no look like cripy glower... i ah... i look like bratt pitt one i tell you... i got his butt... very nice i tell you... very very shiny like in that movie... that greek one... yeah yeah... that toy... o wait... troy... yeah... and sorry lah i no money that's why my ah lian left me...*breaks down crying*.... but i tell you... i got a few tricks... i can lift my eyebrow without touching it... cool rite!!! belly cool i tell you... !!!! i show u ah... u go out with me... i belly shiok to go out wiht ok... well that was adam gilla for you...I hope you change your mind about that poor boy... he really is a true gentleman... regards,Professor Gill.

5.bloodye
oh my god....oh my god....this is hilarious!! hahaha!! kuan eew man...yeah..poor guy..too bad he died..*sobs*

6.arika here (Anonymous) he died?thanks for enlightening me heh..when did he die btw was it recent?


7.Re: arika here bloodye
*wails* how could you even ask such a qtn arika..of course its recent the grief is too painful and still so fresh...he was such a goo leader of our singa..i meant our singing sessions..

8.Re: arika here rashez
dear reader,
do not be miserable.... we know that he will be with us no matter what, in our prayers at least... or peeping through the hole as you bathe... he was one pervi old fella that we loved so much...regards,Professor. Gill

Buaya's BACHELOR OF THE YEAR!!!!! [Oct. 13th, 2004|11:49 am]

Mood: Horny!

yes darlings, I am back from auckland and my team is raring to go... and our article today, i promise you, is going to absolutely hottttttttttt! So my dear horny readers, lock the doors, get your dildos and partyyyyyyy infront of your computer!!!! Cause today we give you Buaya's 3 bachelors of the year and you, yes you my dear reader, choose who you want to be the new face of Buaya... yes it's all in your hands... ready ladies, and the few not so straight gentlemen?

here goes....

Bachelor No. 1: Mr. Lee Kuan eeewwww
Age: 78
Sexual age: 21 (yeah baby yeah-- austin powers style!)
Occupation: Retired ah peck at the coffee shop
Our question to Kuan eeewww: So Kuan eeewwww why should our readers vote for you?
Kuan Eeewwww: Cause everyone needs a father figure in life... and baby i am one hot ah peck!!!Prof. Gill: I think all the single females are dying to find out, what is your kinda girl?
KE: oooooooo....... *horny sigh* i like my girls young... the younger the better.... grrr....*wink*

well if you like Kuan Eeewwww,and kaur-ine would share your sentiments, vote for him at 1900-i love ah pecks-1102.

Bachelor No. 2: Keanu Rich
Age: 30
Sexual and mental age: 12
Occupation: lives of daddy, but what the hell drives a porsche
Our question for keanu: So my dear boy, why should we vote for you?
Keanu: Cause i am hot! like totally...I am so hot i would burn a hole in your heart... *in a rather sissy way* o my god.... i am soooooo excited.... ah i am so sure everyone will vote for me cause i am such a pretty boy... and i noe everyone likes a pretty boy... professor... don't you...
Prof Gill: O baby you have no idea..... *puke puke puke* such a sweet heart aint he... so keanu, what will you do if you win?
Keanu: i would ensure world peace!!! and yeah then i would go out with my boyfriend and party..... o shit... did i say that... o no no.. i mean my macho guy friend.. yeah that!! very macho...

yeah!!!right... if you want to vote for that, please call 1900-ilovegays-1102

and last but not the least...... my favourite bachelor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bachelor no. 3: Mr. Ah Beng adam gilla
Age: 21
Sexual age: 30(he made me write that!!)
Occupation: yes.... a brilliant journalist at THE BUAYA CHRONICLES!!!! *applause*
Question from me: Adam, don't you have a girlfriend, that means you're not a bachelor...?
Adam beng: yeah yeah... i HAD a girlfriend... but then she ran away with someone else... kanina lah.... *starts crying* i lurved her you lah... i lurved her so much... but the she ran away with this model... yeah lah.. i not all handsome all... i not like that fella... but i lurved her... so yeah.... i decided that i want to join this contest all... *still crying* please vote for me... or i will.... see i am a sensitive fella... but ah... i not faggot like the other one... i not so handsome... but i very nice... but still ah lian leave meeeeeee...... *runs into toilet*
Prof. gill (in the toilet now): O adam don't cry, please... yes that's a good boy... ok... one more question adam... o aint he a darling... so sentsitive... ok adam... our readers want to know what you will do with the money when you win?
Adam beng: I am not in for world peace.cause icannot afford wan... but i will give it to kaki bukit prison... and yeah some to my school also... siglap sec rocks!!!! yeah!!!

well you heard it from the man himself... i know my vote goes to him... he's so sweet and sensitive and so intelligent and if you like him please vote for this sweetheart at 1900-my beng-1102

do remember that all votes should come in by tmr night... we at the buaya chronicles are sooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!! see ya tmr with the results!!!

Comments:
1.i vote for the ah peeeeeeeeeeek!!!!! (banana)

The Buaya Chronicles In Malaysia For the wedding of the century!!!!! (Oct 7 2004| 08:57pm)

The Buaya Chronicles in Malaysia for the wedding of the century!!!!!!
[Oct. 7th, 200408:57 pm]

Title of article: Man, 72, ties knot for 53rd time (from the straits times- the buaya's competitor...hahah....right... where got they so lucky!!!)

Kota Baru- It has to be a record of sorts. Mr. Kamarudin Mohammad, 72, married for the 53rd time on Sunday and his newest bride is his 1st ex-wife whom he married in 1957.

Mr Kamarudin said that all his previous marriages ended in divorce. "My shortest marriage lasted for two days several years ago and my longest was with my ex-wife from thailand, whom i was married to for 20 years."

The happy couple reunited after 47 years apart.
-the straits times-

Insert: Picture of very ugly old rotting couple kissing each other.

Analysis of article by Buaya Team

Professor Gill: We at buaya Chronicles would like to wish Mr. Mohammad the best of luck for his wedding and have sent him and his wife a whole bottle of aphrodisiacs which we know will be essential for their sex life, which i personally think will last about another week before both of them die of over exertion and his dick drops off. Maybe Kaur-ine can tell us a bit more.

Dr. Kaur-ine: O my o my... that is one active uncle... when i was out pimping in my young days, not saying that i am old.... i am still very young you noe (thanks to my plastic surgeon... hello honey... last night was so fun... your wife needs help with her nose... maybe u want to attend to that..haha...)... yes i tried an old man too... he lasted for about 30 seconds... before he got a heart attack and died... and the next day it was a public holiday... seems like he was the prime minister or soemthing...i don't care, he was a bad lay... powerful men though *yummy*.... ahhhh.... o my o my... o yes... ur question professor... nah, his dick wont fall off... but i don't think they'll last another night of erotica... u noe... maybe we should have sent them some porn for old folks which we are working on here at the buaya chronicles! O yes... please look out for that... it will be out during christmas... it will be a perfect gift for your uncles, grand-dads and pervi teachers.... byeee.... *kiss kiss*

Mr. Gilla: wahlau..... shiok man... he's the real buaya... buaya... waaaaahhhhh.... so lucky... 53 ah.... damn.... i don't even have one yet... but nvm... after the article yesterday right, ah lian left that dirty old ah peck and came to meet me... she told me that she luve me you noe... than we gonna get married after i earn my 1st million.... then i can buy her that ferrari... she will stop working at geylang than... than we will have a lot of churen... wah... but i not like mr. mohammad.... i will stay with my ah lian... i love u ah lian... i love you... but u noe ah... they so old... sure die one... how his dick stand ah... crutches ah? got brace or not?

Prof. Gill: Well maybe we will read in the orbituaries that a couple dies of over exertion... man... this old fella is gooooodddddd.... kaur-ine, adam gilla, maybe we should do an article on his diet so that all these singaporeans can start producing babies and our population grows so we don't have to employ so many banglas...

O yes dear fans.... do not miss us too much... we'll be back soon... after prof. gill finishes her exams in propaganda management on tuesday...

Comments:

1.whoo balls. how the hell did he find 53 women to marry him? hell i cant even find one to go for ONE DATE. (rau)

2. i love reading the buaya chronicles. its hilrious. way to go, hon. *grins* (banana)

The Buaya Chronicles Oct. 6th, 2004|08:29 pm

Title: The Buaya Chronicles, Letter from Editor

Dear readers,

Due to the overwhelming support that you have shown me before i can even launch my editorial, I have decided not to torture you so much and thus have decided to write my first entry earlier than the allocated timing which was at 10pm.

The Buaya Chronicles, is my attempt at the nobel peace prize and I hope that you my readers would be inspired by the articles to go and search for a fucking life!

Let me start off my introducing you to the brilliant team that will be handling the Buaya Chronicles. It is made up of me, Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill, Dr. Kaur-ine Gillian, a world renowned sexologist and spiritual leader and Mr. Tan Ah Beng Adam Gilla, who is an ex- convict and has been employed by the Buaya Chronicles because WE support the yellow ribbon project and (a little secret between me and you)-- we needed to meet the sex quota set by the singapore government which made it compulsory that we employ a species of the opposite sex. It was between him or a harvard graduate in law, but we at the Buaya Chronicles decided that Harvard cannot give you as much experience as Kaki Bukit Prison can...

Before we even start with our first article today, we think that it is absolutely essential that you know each and every writer and their qualifications so here goes...

Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill, editor-in-chief
Age: 17
Mental Age: 37
Work experience: None
Fake work experience: Has been a professor in psychology at sexony university for 13 years and is the author of several best sellers such as, "o romeo, where is my mercedes benz" and " The seven deadly sins- I have done them all, and so can you!" and is currently writing, "O romeo... forget the mercedez benz, i want my ferrari" , also a volunteer at the mental hospital for 10 years now, active member of youth PAP (pretty people's party) and is currently pursuing propaganda management as a part time course in Cam-under- the bridge university in auckland.

Dr. Kaur-ine Gillian, editorial sexologist and spiritual writer
Age: 25
Real age: 53 (got you there kaur-ine... haha)
Work experience: yoga teacher for 11 years already, tantric sex guru (gave practical lessons to sting!!!), was a prostitute at the japanese district of kyoto for 10 years before she joined yale as a professor in sexology.
Message from kaur-ine: "I am so excited to write for the Buaya chronicles... I so totally cannot wait... I am so excited... so very very excited... i have been wanting to do this foreverrrrrr.... o my god... so excited... so very excited... o my o my..."

Mr. Tan Ah Beng Adam Gilla, Writer, the buaya times edition of "the world through the eyes of a beng... o i mean a man... "
Age: 21
real age: 21
Work experience: Has been part of a gang called the wearestupidgodhelpus, in kaki bukit prison since age 16- just got released last month, was a serial molester at age 12, teacher at all girls pre-school before we found this gem!!!
Message for adam Gilla: "Oi... i very happy that this nice prof. give me chance... i always wanted to write ah... but my teacher in siglap sec. (wah best school ah i tell you) never let me... she say i stupid... but see now... i am writing for prof... i am good... prof give me chance... thank you... and yah... i also like kaur-ine veli excited... wah i can become famous all... than maybe can ask my girfren to marry me... her name is ah lian... i lurve you ah lian... i sure bring you to tiffany that ring shop one and buy u that diamone ring ah... promise.kiss kiss.. okok... i got work to do... bye bye... i love my fans ah... hello mei mei... see your kor kor got work now... no more in trouble... miss you ah, see you when u come back from girls home ok"

I am so excited... my team is just fabulous... I can't wait... I am currently working on our first article and I cannot tell you how brilliant these writers are... Please do tell your friends about our new editorial... and together we can make a difference!!!!

Yours truly,
Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill
Editor in Chief

Comments:

1.WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!! (siti Banana)

2.hmm.. so this is what they mean when they say stress makes ppl go loony.but this is very creative funny looniness, so carry on, professor. =P (Azzah)

Breaking News: Professor Gill makes Shocking Discovery Oct. 6th, 2004|06:57 pm

(Breaking news: Professor Gill makes shocking discovery that the world isn't all pretty and full of happy Christian/muslim/hindu/sikh/buddhist people)

Welcome to tonights episode of BBC's brilliant news papers. Today we will be discussing the Buaya Chronicles, the new paper established by world famous psyco-analyst, Professor Raswinder Kaur Gill. In her public interview this afternoon, she announced to all press journalist present her shocking discovery that 'the world is fucked up' and that all people who think it isn't should be brought to changi point, on the eastern front of singapore and castrated.

She enlightened all present by making brilliant remarks and observations on the human race and concluded that no matter what people pretending to be nice say- "humans are essentially crap and that they tend to put up a face 20 out of 24 hours a day!

Everyone is really excited and absolutely dying to read her first entry which she promises to churn out tonight before 10pm. Describing the Buaya Chronicles in a few words, she said- "it's my attempt to show the world, especially those pussified females and irritating bastards of the male species that the world does not revolve around them but its also made up of 6 billion other people... it serves the purpose of being a gentle reminder to the human race that they're not all that good, no matter what they think. It takes a lot to prove oneself and many people i know have not been doing that but sponging off the successes of other humans who have put in a lot of fucking work to prove that our kind is not fuck crap."

Brilliantly absolutely brillaintly said. Catch the world premier of her first article tonight at 10pm.

BBC Journalist
Britney Fucking Spearings

Comments:

1.hello glenda chong. i am now live at the press conference where professor gill has announced that her article will be appearing on this online journal soon. we are all wating in anticipation, and there's a group of male activists here protesting against the publication of this article. the Male Under Nude Gay Escort Network (MUNGEN) has come out in full force to protest the event. 'professor gill's publication will infect the world, spreading her bloddy black bird logic and making more men consider being straight. she must be stopped!' says one MUNGEN activist. perhaps this racist publication is what we've all been waiting for. this was tan liting, channel news asia, in Simei. :D (Liting)

2.Good evening, this is Haseena Koyakutty of channel news asai reporting life from melville park, simei. In less than 2 hours, Professor gill will be revealing her latest creation, The Buaya Chronicles. There is already a big mob waiting outside here with me. Samuel Lim from MUNJEN says, "I am really worried, what will happen to gay people like me if Professor gill turns men straight....???"However, despite the angry screaming members of MUNJEN, there is also a large number of Prof. Gill's fans here with me... Avril Lavinnia, 18, a full time student at NUS and a professional prostitute speaks, " I love that bitch.... she's damn funny... and maybe she will give us an insight to why we are all so fucked up... hahaha... get the pun... fucked and up... hahahaha"This is haseena Koyakutti.... see you in a while. (Rashez)

3.write a critical appreciation of 'the buaya chronicles', paying close attention to the style and the effectiveness of the language in engaging the reader. (Siti Banana)

The Buaya Movement by Raswinder

Dear Readers,

This is Raswinder Kaur Gill, better known as rashez or more currently Professor Gill, the author of the world famous Buaya Chronicles. I was told a few days ago that hosting my newpaper articles on my livejournal diminished their purpose because along with these writings i used my journal to vent and many readers found it difficult to relate to the Buaya Chronicles because it seemed like two different people existed on my lifejournal, the real me, raswinder and the crazy professor Gill who used sexual imagery to bring forth world issues. Darling.... I am no virginal indian girl, PROFESSOR GILL IS MY ALTER-EGO!!! But for the sake of my dear dear readers, yes you- you twat- I have set up this Gallery for you to have easy access to all my articles in the Buaya Chronicles.

So i have decided to move all the previous articles of the Buaya Chronicles from my livejournal (www.livejournal.com/users/rashez) to this website. However, all articles will still be published there first and only moved here when I think they deserve to go into this hall of fame! So my darling readers..... spread the message, let the world know that The Buaya Chronicles is back and better!!!!! and we are going new places..... have fun, enjoy reading and be sure to post your comments either here or on my Livejournal.

Yours Truly,
Raswinder Kaur Gill
Author, The Buaya Chronicles

Buaya's birthday wish [Oct. 13th, 2004|12:20 pm]

dear readers,
we have today with us our 3 bachelors fighting it out for buaya's BACHELOR OF THE YEAR!!! and they'll be singing one of our readers, a belated birthday song... so this is for siti rohana who turned 17 yesterday

from adam beng, keanu rich and kuan eeewwww...
happy burfdate with you...
happy birthnight with you
happy happy happy boightday to you siti banana (oops rohana)happy burfdait with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.......

from kaun ewww: wah so young... mei mei you free tmr night?

from keanu: o baby girl, go and a facial done or something... i usually do that with my boyfriend... oops... i mean my friends who are boys.... no mennnnnn!!! macho men...yeah!from

ah beng: hello... happy burfdae ok... go and relax... being 17 is very fun so enjoy it and stay out of kaki bukit... not good!!!

Comments:

1.*BITES all three*yumieh.;) thanks patches [oops rashez]..heil.=) (banana)

2.kuan ewww! kuan eeeeeeeeeewww!!! kuan ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I'm like, totally your biggest fan! (Uncle_solly)

The makings of the Buaya Oct. 3rd, 2004|08:36 pm

Title: Exams start tomorrow!!!!!!! yippiiiieeeeeeee! (I assure you i am not a lunatic)And no I am not a buaya, alligator, crocodile whatever else you think i am Liting!*grumbles*

I just get bored of men easily. It's not my fault that the guys i know have a mental capacity of that similar to a twelve year old (I am giving them alot of credit here cause half of them behave like 7 year olds)So yeah, I tend to like a guy for a while, then realise that they're not as good as people make them up to be or what they make themselves up to be, so i get bored and slowly drift off. Maybe its because most of the guys I know are my cousin's friends, I can't blame them then... haha... my cousin is shit boring therefore the guys he hangs out with most likely would be of his intellect level and I would like to assure you that is not very high. You know my first date (yes, i have had a date before) lasted a grand total of 1 hour. THANK GOD I MET A FRIEND I COULD RUN OFF WITH!!!! He was sooooo boring, i tried so hard not to cry! I mean really, our conversation went like this (i might be exaggerating a bit but what the hell, I need to make a point!)

Him: Hi

Me: Umm... Hi (large fake smile)

Him: So you're from tkgs, good school

me: yeah. *trying to smile* (mental thought: I am sure you didn't know, i think i told you this about a zillion times... wow)

Him: So you're in tennis right. Nice sport. I tried to play in school once, but failed terribly. *laughs thinking he's funny*

Me: (mental note: Rashez don't cry, please don't cry... at least pretend to be interested)haha... it's not that hard a game to get (please don't ever ask me to teach you please...)

Him: Maybe you can teach me somedayMe: (arrrrghhhhh!!) Well if i had time i would someday (right...)

Him: So you mean you've never had a boyfriend before? (puzzled look)

Me: (shoots look at him that says 'nice going asshole- minus 50points) yeah, never had one... I am 15, its really no big deal... i like my freedom and looking at the sad sorry state of some of my friends, i'd rather be swinging single

Him: O...

Me: yeah

Him: So how many siblings you have?

Me: i have a younger sister (o god... help me... dying dying... ahhh... drowning in tears... ahhhhh)

Him: really? How old?

Me: 14, one year younger than me

Him: pretty or not?Me: (hello, if i am not wrong you're on a date with ME) yeah she's alright, why?

Him: Since you like to remain single all, at least introduce me to your sister lah

Me: (absolutely grossed out) *laughing* yeah sure... maybe i will someday (and destroy her life, or wait... maybe i should introduce you guys, she will tell you to ur face that u're looser... which i can't cause i am a chicken shit who is too nice)

Him: *laughing* no lah... she's too young, i am 18

Me: (really... i tot u were 5) Doesn't that make me young too?

Him: I tot so too, but no lah, you're quite matured for ur age what. or not i wouldn't have asked you out.

Me: (o thank you sooooooo much!!! I would have DIED without meeting you!) ok (phone rings!!!)Hello! O right, ok... i will be there.(turns to him) hey... I got a really important phone call... my sister is not feeling well... i am so sorry... maybe some other time (yeah right you loser!)

Him: O no... do you want me to send you off... i could...

Me: No i am so sorry I can't stay longer... I am soooo sorry... really... (*laughs like crazy in my mind*)

Him: Okay you take care ok... i'll call you tonight?

Me: (My things are all packed... without even looking back i run off) hahahahha (to meet my friend who is waiting for me to watch a movie with her at lido!

so much for my sister being sick!!!)hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahaha.... I am what most people will call a bitch... but i am sorry... he really was boring and i was going to die... so yeah... in self defence!so why am i still single today? Easy peasy... men bore the shit out of me... well most of them do... but that was before i went to college... The 'men' i know now are quite intelligent and fun to talk too... but unfortunate unfortunate... i treat them like little brothers of mine... (ok this applies for my classmates! sorry shaun! I am so sorry it won't ever work out!! hahahah)So yeah..... I am sure there is some interesting guy which i could like... but sadly i am in school most of the time and hardly have a social life outside school and I am quite certain i won't date anyone in my school... politics politics... but that doesn't mean I can't like someone from school just for fun!!! (denise please give me your nod of approval) Okok.... fine... i am buaya-ish... sorry lah! O right, another PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: i DO NOT LIKE 'HIM' ANYMORE! *yayness* it's finally overrrrr! *yayness*



Comments:
1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*rau rolls on floor laughing..literally* (raudhah)

2.yes raudie, go ahead and convulse!*grumbles* (rashez)

3. raaaaaaaashez!!!!!!!! your buaya attitude is like totally what some girls need to learn! *pointed rolling of eyes*oh alright i give the fakir my very grudging half-approval. and only because i intend to amuse myself at some point by asking about his mother. and also because i am dead certain that in, oh, about fifteen minutes, you're going to look up and say something along the lines of "hey, would you look at the ass on that one!" you filthy buaya.hahahahahahagood luck for your exams (as if you need it!) and love from us (uncle_Solly Denise)

4. YOU ARE A BUAYA. :P the mood says it all. but *takes me hat off* you have a way with guys. *RESPECT* haha. 8 more days. hang in there!!! *hug* (Liting)

5. Qoutes liting: but *takes me hat off* you have a way with guys. *RESPECT* hahahahahahahhahaha...... yeah i totally have a way with guys... it's called, driving them away! (Rashez)